Lilly's heaven
by pamy
Summary: At first there is nothing, which she finds strange. Then there is something, finally she thinks, and another world to look at. A world that moves on without her. Lilly's POV.
1. Absence of something

_**This idea was born from another prompt on vmfic_gameon. This time the prompt was from onceuponapillow, the prompt being Lilly's thoughts as she looks down on everyone from heaven. I don't think this was exaclty what the person had in mind though. I got this idea for a oneshot for this, but then I decided to read Lovely bones, and the two mingled and this was born. I'm not sure how many chapters this will be. Please review. **_

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Veronica Mars. _**

* * *

First there is nothing, absolutely nothing, which as she thinks about it is very strange, especially considering all those stories people tell about white lights and voices. But in the end, whatever the stories are, the fact still remains, that at first there is nothing, just the absence of something. An endless void of nothingness, and Lilly stands there somewhere in the middle or perhaps she stands at the end of it, she can't quite tell, but she doesn't think it truly matters where she stands, she's still there. Her first thought, or at least her first conscious thought at least, is that she can't see a thing, not a single thing. Then she laughs out loud – _which sounds very strange in the empty void so she soon stops – _at her own stupidity, because really there is nothing to see at all, so why would she be able to? She realizes that her thoughts aren't making any sense, but right now nothing makes sense, because she can't really understand where she is. But she is still there, no matter what she thinks.

She was sort of expecting some kind of white light and a voice guiding her towards it, perhaps even angels, but there was nothing, absolutely nothing. She begins to wonder – _even though she still doesn't quite understand what is happening – _if this is how she'll have to spend all of eternity, all around surrounded by darkness, surrounded by nothing at all. Because if this is how she'll spend forever, she'll rather go to hell, at least in hell there would be something if only flames and devils. She's still not sure where she is, or how exactly she got there, at least not at first. When she first opened her eyes and took in her surroundings, she could barely remember who she was, she couldn't remember much at all. She had no idea of what was going on, she didn't know what she was supposed to do, and it took her a while to get used to wherever she was. She began looking around, perhaps there was some kind of an exit, some way to get home, but there is nothing.

It takes her a few more seconds to realize she's wearing her pep squad outfit, what was more it was bloodstained, _and she simply couldn't remember how that had happened. _She's not sure how long she lies there, but eventually she does get up, and begins to walk – _she walks to where she thinks is the ending of this space, or perhaps it's the beginning, it's very hard to tell – _and different thoughts are running trough her head, weird thoughts like where all the colors are for example, but mainly she is wondering how it is possible that if there is nothing here she can still see. There's light as well, there must be because she can see – _even though there is nothing to see – _yet she can't see where it originates, it doesn't really matter anyway, it won't change anything about this place. Whatever this place is.

It would be logical to find an exit or some kind of wall at least, because every space has a beginning and an end.

But there is nothing logical about this place, there is nothing logical about death. And all she can think is _how did I get here, _and _where am I, _and perhaps the most important question of all; _how do I get back home? How do I get back to where I belong?_ She has to get back, she's got too many things to do, plans she's made, plans she still has to make. She has to get back home, because she's still fighting with Logan and she needs to fix that, and she has to spend her evenings talking to Veronica because she has to tell her something, and she has to help Duncan discover if Veronica is really their sister. She has parties to go to, and pep squad try outs, and even more car washes to attend, she has an entire live to get back to, and she can't just walk around forever. She keeps on walking, hoping for the exit to appear so that she can get out of this place, and laugh about it later. _Somewhere in the back of her mind there is a voice that say's she's not going home, _but she chooses not to listen, she doesn't want to think about what that means. They're expecting her to come home, so she has to get back, she has to.

And yet with each step she takes nothing changes, the world doesn't shift, no ending is in sight.

There's only emptiness all around her, just an endless empty void, the absence of something. Sometime during her walk, she begins to realize the truth, and accept the reality, because really she has no other choice. She hadn't meant for this to happen, she was just sixteen, she was just being stupid. All she really wanted to do was mess around a bit, but she didn't want anyone to see those tapes, that are why she took them from Aaron. This wasn't supposed to happen, it wasn't right, she was just a child, a simple teenage girl who had her entire life ahead of her. She made mistakes, everyone makes mistakes, but that did not mean she had to die, she was so young and her mistakes weren't so bad, she still had so much to learn. She had a million things to do, most of which seems unimportant and stupid, only a few matter to her anymore. She has to talk to Veronica, eat with her family, help Donut and make things better with Logan. She was so young, this wasn't her fault _– at least not completely – _it really wasn't meant to go this far, this wasn't supposed to happen.

But that doesn't change the fact that the world stopped and she fell of, and the world simply kept on turning without her.

Leaving her standing in an endless empty void.


	2. New found heaven

In the end she never quit finds out how long she stays there nor where exactly she is, but it's not like it matters anyway, she's dead and silly things like that don't matter anymore. She's also not sure how she got out of the empty void, but she did, all she knows is one second she's walking the next she is not. There was a white light, that she does remember – _and she thinks maybe this is where all the stories come up – _and then she was suddenly here. Here was a simple garden, filled with flowers, it was a very big place, she can't actually see where it ends. There's a swing as well, though she can't imagine why she would want one in her heaven, that's what she supposed this is anyway. She's still wearing the blood stained pep squad outfit, and she has this strange feeling she will be wearing it for the rest of eternity and she doesn't like it at all, because really who wants to wear this forever? She stands there, expecting angels to show up – _or at least other people, or are they ghosts now? – _anyone to explain to her what was happening and what she was supposed to do now. But nobody comes.

She loves people, loves talking and laughing, and all sort of other things. Now she's dead and there is nobody there, and she hates it, because she thinks this might actually mean she'll spend the rest of eternity alone. For a second she contemplates the thought she might actually be in hell, after all she did ask to be taken away from the empty void and send to hell, because at least then there would be something, somebody to listen to her. Still she thinks this couldn't be hell, it's much to pretty, to nice, to calm to actually be hell. Hell was supposed to be filled with demons and devils and flames. Then again everyone always talks of angels and white lights, and nobody ever talks of endless empty voids, so maybe hell is nothing like people say it is, who knows. Later she thinks it might be empty, because everyone she loves and knows is still alive. She is the only one who's dead, and she wishes somebody would come and join her, anyone at all. She simply doesn't want to be alone.

Later, much later, she will wonder if it is all her fault.

****

After a while – _she doesn't know how long, could have been weeks, days, maybe just minutes – _she realizes there is another world she can see as well. It's not really another world, more like a transparent glass somewhere in her newfound heaven, that shows her the earth, where she came from. She thinks that maybe this wouldn't be so bad, that even if she spends the rest of eternity alone, she'll be able to watch her loved ones live, and that might actually be enough. Still she suspects it would be rather difficult to watch them suffer for her and not be able to comfort them, not being able to tell them she's okay even if she doesn't know where the hell she is. She's right, it's painful to watch as her parents make what will be the worst mistake of their lives, and it hurts her to see Duncan disappear and Veronica break down. Logan cries, he actually cries, _she's never seen him cry before and she wishes she never had. She's pretty sure this is hell, watching the people she loves hurt. _

Time eventually does pass for everyone, though she in her own personal heaven _– as she has come to call it- _doesn't exactly notice it, because nothing ever changes. Nobody comes, no angels show up to explain things to her, the flowers stay the same, the swing is still there _– she's still not sure why that is there, she never actually sits on it – _and she's pretty sure the sun never actually sets. She walked all around her own personal heaven, looking for some way out, but there is nothing else, no portals to other places, no hidden passageways, not even a house. She truly can't understand what she is doing here, why this is her own heaven, but it is and she can't change it. Still she thinks, isn't heaven supposed to bring you some sort of happiness, peace and closure? All it is done for her so far is bring absolute confusion, but she thinks that death in the end might be unexplainable, so maybe that's all it is. She's still wearing her pep squad outfit, but she has gotten used to it by now, so it doesn't really matter anymore. She also quickly realizes she can in fact talk, but there is no one to talk to and talking aloud to herself was just to weird the one time she tried it, so she doesn't do it again.

There are not other sounds, at least almost not other sounds. She swears she heard birds singing once, but even after spending a lot of time looking for them, she never actually found them. It made her think that perhaps there was something else besides this world, another world with people and animals, and she simply hasn't found a way to get there yet. Maybe she is supposed to do something first, but if there is something to do she doesn't know what it is, and since there are no explanations, all she can really do is guess. Or maybe the fact that she heard birds just means that she's gone crazy or something, which brings another question to mind; can dead people actually go crazy? She spends all her time watching the lives of the people she left behind, and she thinks this might not be healthy at all, but there is nothing else she can do. So she watches as they break, watches as they suffer and she suffers with them, but they'll never know.

If this is heaven, she hates it, if this is hell, she hates it as well, she just wishes she could be alive again.


	3. Is this Justice?

It's a roller coaster of feelings, especially for the ones she left behind, but also for her. First there is confusion, not really understanding what had happened, or why it had happened. The next thing is pain, the realization that she is really dead, that she's never going back, _never coming back home_. Then there is anger, absolute anger, for everyone and everybody. Obviously she is angry at Aaron, angry for what he did to her, angry for what he does to Logan and angry because he has the guts to stand in front of the cameras and comfort his son, pretending not to know a thing. It's hypocritical, but she can't do anything about it, because she's stuck in this world, and she can't go back. Perhaps equally as understanding, is the fact that she is angry at her parents, for not seeing the truth, for not trusting their son, for not asking Duncan what had happened. They just assumed they knew what had happened, they thought Duncan had killed her, so they covered it up. She's angry, but she can't hate them, she can't because it will do not good, and after all they had lost their only daughter.

She's angry at Duncan for not standing up for himself, for her, for Veronica. For not breaking out of his absolute denial, for not becoming a human being again, for not making his own choices. Though she has to admit since he had found her body, his reaction was quite logical, even if he doesn't understand it himself, because he has forgotten it. She's angry at Logan for taking all of _his _anger out on Veronica, for breaking her, for casting her out, for leaving her on the outside to deal with all of this on her own. If he would just take a breath, and look at what is going on, he'd see that this really isn't her fault, it's nobody's fault, and she can't change a thing about it. She wishes she could talk to them, any of them, to reach out and help them, but she can't because she's up here, and there's nothing to say anyway.

She can't contact them, can't even send a simple smoke signal, all she really can do is watch. At some point, she's not really sure how much time has passed, the murder tape is leaked. _She seriously is angry at deputy Lamb, what the hell was he thinking? _And she sees how Logan blames it all on Veronica, _and she hates him, in that moment she truly hates him, the feeling only lasts a second but she does hate him there and then. _She watches as Duncan continues to ignore her, as the 09'rs turn against her, some make high school hell for her, other simply turning away (_ignoring it all, or at least trying to) _making them just as bad as the first group. Logan is at the head of the crusade, and Duncan just stands there, and Lilly wants to go down to hit Logan until he sees sense, and Duncan until he wakes up. But she can't, she's stuck here, and all she can do is watch.

She keeps watching as her best friend's life shatters even more, when her dad is fired, and her mom splits and they have to move to a small apartment. _And all for what?_ All because her own parents think her brother murdered her, _accidental of course_, and neither one of them wants to destroy his(_their_), reputation. So Keith is fired, Logan lashes out even more at Veronica and Duncan sinks deeper into his depression, and Veronica breaks even more. In the end the only thing she knows, truly knows, is that her parents are idiots, because really had they taken the time to check the evidence it would have pointed to someone else, all they had to do was give Keith a chance, he would have found the truth – _though she supposes accusing THE Aaron Echolls of murder would have had the same result in the end. _If they had taken a chance the truth might have come out, but they choice to cover it up, and in extend help her killer get free.

All she sees is a big mess, and she thinks _well at least that's it, it simply can't get worse. _

*****

When she sees what happens next, she thinks that the whole town has lost it's mind, or maybe the end of the world is near. Really what good could possibly come of making Lamb Sherriff? Really if they had to fire Keith, _not that she even understands why they did that, even if he had been wrong, it was one mistake, _they could have made anyone sheriff, so why go for Lamb? Still she supposes she could give him a chance, not that she has much choice, time will tell if he is actually a good Sherriff or not. Then comes the day Abel Koontz is arrested. And all Lilly can do is watch, because they have accused this man of her murder, but she's pretty sure she's never even seen him before. She actually gets sick when she sees Aaron sit in front of the camera's, telling the world he is glad the killer of his son's girlfriend is caught, and all she wants to do is kill him, right there and then.

Still, as always, there is nothing left to do, she can't do a thing, and everyone thinks he did it, so there's nothing that can be changed. He's found guilty, and if he had done it, she would dance, but now all she can think is _that poor man, found guilty of a crime not committed. _Even though she knows that he choose this, all that money is for his daughter, and he's dying anyway _so what does it matter_. But she supposes nobody actually thought he'd be given the death penalty, if he's executed that would be an innocent man's blood on her parent's hands, and the worst of all is that _they would know it. _She wonders if Abel Koontz would end up here in her heaven as well, or if he would be given his own, she wonders because their lives have intertwined, and they have never even met, which she just thinks is wrong.

She's never thought about the death penalty, nobody ever does. She thinks her father might believe in it, and she's not entirely sure about Duncan or anyone else for that matter. But she's never thought about it, there was no reason to, it wouldn't change a thing anyway, it would still stay the same thing it was before. But now she stands here, and she thinks that the dead penalty is all wrong, because this man is innocent and he will still be killed, and if one innocent person can sit there, there are probably more, and that is simple murder. Still it's much to late to think this things, because now she really can't do much about it anymore, just watch. And she wants to scream at everyone who doubts Keith, _Even Veronica herself, _that they're all wrong, the real killer is still out there.

Her life has been stolen from her, and the man who did it gets to live his life; while she is up here and an innocent man is in jail. Is this what they call Justice?


	4. Broken girls

So that's how things are months after her dead, a good man has lost his job, Veronica has lost her friends, she is dead, an innocent man is in jail and her parents think her brother is a killer. Still she thinks; _that's it, that's the end of it, not much more bad things can happen, now she gets to see their happy lives and be jealous. _And then she sees broken friendships, parties and little girls in white dresses. And she wants to go back down to earth, and kill all of them, all of them that did this to her, her best friend. And she wishes there was something she could do to warn Veronica, to save her, to tell Logan to go to that spare bedroom to save her, anything at all. But all she can do is watch, and for the first time she truly hates it.

Still at first she thinks that Veronica might be right, that if she simply shows up Logan might go back to who he once was, but it doesn't really work like that. Logan is to far gone in his anger, Duncan is to much of a robot and nobody else really cares. Still she can't believe the events that happen, it's almost like a domino effect, what are the chances of all those things happening at the same time, she wonders. . She doesn't think Dick would have actually drugged her, then again drugging Madison didn't actually speak in his favor. Whether or not he truly wanted to do it, it doesn't change the fact that he did drug that drink, and Madison takes it and hands it to Veronica, and Veronica being the naïve, innocent girl she always was, just drinks it without thinking. _And Lilly is screaming out loud at her not to do it, but it doesn't do anything because of course Veronica won't suddenly be able to hear her, so all she's doing really is screaming at herself, it doesn't help at all. _

Veronica sinks down on that chair, and what Logan does next makes her so angry, that she's sure she'll never be able to forgive him. Even if she is sure that he would never have wanted it to go that far, and even if she knows that he was drunk, none of those are excuses, none of those are helpful in any way. There are only two moments when Lilly thinks that Veronica still might be saved, and she cheers on the only two persons that attempt to reach out to her, but it doesn't work out that way, and they don't save her. Meg is the first, Lilly had always kind of liked Meg, they had never truly been close friends, but she had liked her. She thinks that in that moment, when Meg says '_someone should help her' _and '_we can't leave her like that.', she loves her and everything will be alright. _But then she sees someone else save her, and she thinks it's okay, Veronica will be fine now, because she believes in her friends, in some ways she's just as naïve and innocent as Veronica is, so she leaves thinking it will all be alright.

The second person that wins her favor that night, is Duncan, and in some ways Lilly had always expected it. He had (still) loved Veronica so much, and he would (will) have done (do) everything for her, absolutely everything. So in a way it's not that surprising he's the person that saves her, and she doesn't doubt he would have taken her home, to safety. But he had no reason to distrust Logan, and Lilly still can't believe Logan would drug Duncan, though in a way she does understand, _she to had wanted him to live again, just not like this, not like this. _But Duncan doesn't know this, and Logan doesn't know what's wrong with Veronica, and Duncan drinks the soda and so he seals their fates.

She didn't want to see what came next, she actually wished to return to the empty, endless void. Because there was nothing there, and she wouldn't know this things, wouldn't have seen the people she had spend her entire youth with, the people she had trusted, the people she had loved, stray so far off path. These were the things she had never wanted to know, the things she had never wanted to see, hypocrites that's what most of them are, they either help destroy her or they turn the other way, _what's wrong with them_? She just wants to knock some sense in them, but she can't, so all she can do is watch as Dick Casablancas carries her into that bedroom, and simply leaves her there. She shakes her head, and closes her eyes and she cries, _okay apparently the dead can produce tears, weird. _

Still what comes next kind of shocks her, because out of everyone at that party, Beaver would be the last one that would do something like this, at least that's what she thought. She can't understand, there's something weird about this, but it doesn't change what he does, how he destroys her. She can't watch, she wants to look away and forget what she saw, what she knows will happen, but she can't because in some way she thinks she needs to be there for Veronica, even if Veronica doesn't know she's there and is not even aware that something is happening. Still she stays there, she doesn't actually watch, she closes her eyes, but she doesn't turn away completely.

While she was alive she didn't hate people, not really, she didn't like some people and she had trouble with her parents, but she never hated anyone. And now for the short amount of time she had been dead, she has already hated more people than in her sixteen years of live. As she stares, completely in shock, at what happens, next she's pretty sure she's found the one who she hates the mosst. More than Dick, and Madison, and Aaron, and yes even Beaver. She knew back then it had been a mistake to put Lamb in charge, but even she had never expected this to happen, and she's pretty sure if her father would have heard this conversation, he would have made sure he lost his job as well, she is sure of it. Don't police officers take some kind of an oath to protect people? Where did it say they should laugh, what kind of human being laughs at a little broken girl in a white dress, who's innocence has been stolen, who does that? How dare he do that, how dare he throw her out, how dare he say those things. She wants to kill him, find some way to go to earth and haunt him forever, but of course she can't.

Her hatred for Lamb is bigger than any other feeling, _and she wonders what the hell happened to Neptune? _


End file.
